my plan was to do everything natural. my plan was no epidural, no induction, definitely no c-section. we occasionally talked about delivering at the birth center where we had taken our birth class.
they always say plans were meant to be broken.
i went past my due date, which i kind of expected. the ob thought we should set an induction date, but let me decide how long i wanted to wait, which was so nice. i pushed it back to 41 and a half weeks so that i would have time to hopefully start laboring on my own.
every day past my due date went so slow, and somehow so fast.
suddenly, it was the day of my scheduled induction and still no sign of labor anywhere. i was supposed to go in at 8 pm, so i had the entire day to wonder, and worry, and try to nap. the nap wasn't very successful. we did the last minute packing and took pictures and left my parents at home with the animals.
we went straight to our room (and not through triage), which surprised me for some reason. the nurse had decorated our room for us. that brought the first of many, many tears. i got into my fancy hospital gown, got an iv (not great, but not the worst), got fluids started, which i requested be stopped until absolutely necessary ("let's keep the fluids going until the doctor can come in and assess you"), got the baby monitor going, which i requested be intermittent ("let's get a good baseline for the doctor so she knows baby is doing well"). it was all very surreal.
the doctor came in and checked me (the tiniest, tiniest dilation happening to my cervix), and gave me the medicine to start "ripening" my cervix. miso. it is supposed to be the kick start for contractions to start. but gentler than the pitocin. i was happy we weren't starting with pitocin. i really, really wanted to avoid it.
i had to stay in bed for half an hour, i think, and then was able to get up and walk and do stair steps. they took me off the fluids ("as long as you stay hydrated") and put me on a wireless monitor.
when the doctor came back to check me after 4 hours, my contractions were coming close enough together that they wouldn't give me a second dose of the miso. a good sign. i was a tiny bit more dilated, so she stripped my membranes (as painful as it sounds) and inserted a cook's catheter (a weird balloon that is inserted into the cervix and filled with water to help dilate (also as painful as it sounds). traction was applied, and increased every half hour. i was still walking, and squatting, and stair-stepping. i could feel the contractions, but they mostly felt period crampy - definitely tolerable at that point.
after 2 hours, the cook's catheter pulled out when the nurse applied more traction. that meant i was dilated 4 cm. apparently it's rare for the cervix to stretch that fast (it's more of a stretching that the actual dilation, i think), so everyone thought i was making great progress. at that point i started to feel very strong contractions, and i started throwing up. the doula explained later that the body is trying to catch up to the work that the cook's catheter did, so it goes into overdrive. i had to get out my hypnobirthing cd's and the lavender for the diffuser, and take a bath (weirdly, the hospital baths are
amazing).
we took a nap after that all calmed down. and then it was the next doctor's shift. she came in and ruptured me after checking me. i was only at 2 cm. she thought maybe the cook's catheter wasn't inserted completely and so the 4 cm was superficial (or something). we were hoping that breaking my water would really get things going. i was really disappointed to be back at a 2, but the doula reminded us that i was still effacing, which is just as important as dilation. that made me feel better for a second or two.
we spent the day having little cat naps, and walking, and squatting, and rocking on yoga balls, and doing a little snuggling. i was able to be monitored intermittently that day (yay!). i felt like a bunch of the pressure (that i was probably just putting on myself) came off when the monitors came off.
when the doctor came in at the end of her shift, i was dilated back to a 4. she was talking to the nurses about starting pitocin and how i was only in pre-labor. i just spent 24 hours thinking i was doing so amazing, and this was just pre-labor? the doula reminded us that i was still making progress and to stay positive. i was definitely getting discouraged at this point. the nurses were so nice and positive. they would say, "baby's just so happy in your tummy!"
after change of shift, everything was prepared so that they could start me on pitocin. i really didn't want it, but we had to get baby out somehow. fluids were started, monitors were back on. everything started to feel super medical again.
at first, i tolerated the pitocin contractions fairly well (i differentiate because they are
completely different than natural contractions). i used my hypnobirthing cd's and was so glad i had them. they titrate the amount of pitocin up until you are having contractions about 2 minutes apart. they started upping the amount of pitocin, and i started falling apart. throwing up again. super anxious. restless. the doula suggested another bath and ok'd it with the nurse.
i made arley get in with me. then i yelled at arley for not holding my hand the right way through contractions. i lost my hypnobirthing focus. instead of relaxing through contractions, i tensed. over and over i told myself that i couldn't do it anymore. i didn't want to do it anymore. just like we had talked about in our hypnobirthing class, arley and the doula kept telling me, "just get through one more contraction," "try one more," "you're doing so great." and i hated them a little for it.
i didn't want to get through one more. i didn't feel like i was doing great. i felt like i wanted to punch someone in the face. and i apparently told the doctor that when she came to check me. "if i'm not transitioning, i'm going to punch someone in the face." of course, it was my ob, who i have to continue to see...
i was still only dilated to a 5 or 6.
i asked for the fentanyl (super strong narcotic) and cried because i knew that it would go straight to baby. when they told me i could only get 4 doses and only once every hour, i decided to get an epidural. and i cried because i know all about epidurals and their risks, and how they can affect breastfeeding, and the size of the needle, and how the needle gives as it goes into the spine. but i couldn't do it anymore, and we were passing 36 hours of labor.
the epidural was just as disgusting as i thought it would be. but it was also such relief. and i felt so much guilt.
arley had to leave, and all i wanted was for him to stay. thinking back, he probably would have passed out at the sight of the needle, and maybe again when they put in the catheter. i still wanted him there. the doula was there, and i held her hands, but it wasn't quite the same.
we napped the rest of the night. at change of shift, the next doctor came in and suggested a caesarian. "we can do it now, safely. or we can wait and have an emergent section." i think i cried for the next 2 hours. after the doctor came in, everything was such a rush, such a blur.
suddenly i was in the or. suddenly i was prepped. suddenly the drape was up and arley was there. suddenly i couldn't breathe and a thousand pound weight was crushing my ribs. suddenly a baby was crying.
i was on oxygen the whole time because i apparently wasn't breathing enough. i just remember feeling my tears trickling underneath the oxygen mask.
arley went to the warmer with the baby and was gone for an eternity. i've never seen him as happy as when he came back to me. "
claire! it's a girl! and her head is enormous!" and suddenly a tiny peanut of a baby was on my chest and we were all crying - me (ok, i was sobbing), arley, and arlo grace, our sweet, sweet baby girl.
